If I Could Sleep, I Would

If I could sleep, I would. I can’t right now. That has to do with my brain and my sore back and my general inability to rest.

Today I felt uncomfortable in my own emotion. In an effort to be more connected (disconnection is common with PTSD) I have started coaxing myself to be in my body when hard things happen. My hope is that by showing my mind that I am safe, even when I leave the confines of my internal traps and even when things are hard, that I will be more…

Here.

Of course, I spent a good hunk of the last month in the ER with a virus, so it was a solid test of the new operating system.

The down side is that I haven’t quite learned how to time share between my body and my brain. It’s time for bed. My body should take over and my brain should shut up, but that’s clearly not going to happen. Not with the latest episode of Thoughts too Vague to be Useful but too Important to Ignore! playing in re-runs.

So here they are.

Thoughts too Vague to be Useful but too Important to Ignore!
(aka The Things that Keep Me Up at Night)

Why is it that we can get people to buy in to the weirdest shit, but not the important stuff? Like, how can we all agree that pieces of paper, plastic and metal have an agreed upon value, but we can’t get people to agree that no one should starve?

We are weird.

Why are we so weird?

Oh, and also, I’m afraid and angry a good deal of the time. I’m afraid that we’re so dumb that we don’t realize that we’re messing up the place we live. I mean, not a little. A whole bucket-full. A large, large bucket-full. Then, like everyone else, I brush it off because who can live their life fighting the tide of billions of humans just doing their daily shit, drinking from the same damn magic well until there’s no more. Or too much. Or something. There’s a weather metaphor in there.

I also have no idea how cell phones work and it wigs me out. When I try to figure it out, and I read up on it, I have to look up what everything means. Then in each explanation, there are more things I have to look up. I realize it’s not that I don’t know how cell phones work, it’s that I don’t know how anything works, which is why I talk about people so much, I guess.

I also shake my fist, in retrospect, at my family for spending days/years/months teaching me about a dead fictional man who was obsessed with fish when they could have been explaining what electricity was and how the stars aren’t all really close to each other, they just look that way from here.

Also, my central heating is very loud, a dragon who can circular breathe like Frank Sinatra. (In that he could circular breathe. We have no proof he was a dragon.)

Things you should not watch if you want to go to sleep: Battle Royale (バトル・ロワイアル (Batoru Rowaiaru)

Nihilism and short pants and Monty Python levels of blood explosions.

The only other thing keeping me up is the people I miss and the reasons I miss them and the reasons I know missing is better than having.

So now, I hope, on to dreams that are literal to a fault in their heavy handed symbolism and not so distressing that they wake the boy.

Happy new year.

Heather

 

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