Silence is golden. I swear I’ve heard a song that says that…
I fell silent. If you’re new to my blog, this is probably a good time to tell you I have a mood disorder and ADHD, so that’s going to happen from time to time.
If you’d like an idea when it’s apt to happen, two sure markers are the coming of winter and a really successful blog entry. I’ve recently seen both. It snowed last week. (I’m sorry Canada. I just cant.) Also, I wrote about my experiences growing up in a cultishly Christian household. I did this as part of a reflection on the life of Kim Davis, a woman who has beliefs that she holds dearly that she’d really like to impose on other folks. It seemed to resonate, and it was widely read. Being read scares me, which might make you wonder why I write at all. As a wise man once said: Don’t ask me why I write. Ask me why I cannot stop.
Now I’m in what Garfield liked to call a deep blue funk, but I’m doing what I can to pull my way out. I’m trying something new. I’m going from the outside, in.
I’ve spent 20+ years in some sort of therapy or another. That happens when you’re a teenager and you’re in the system. I’ve been therapized, de-sensitized, exorcised (literally) and medicated. I’ve tried really hard to fix what I didn’t break.
It hasn’t worked (I’m functioning – I’m resilient – but I’m not happy.) My new plan? Mend it the way it was busted: from the outside, in.
My plan is to try to treat myself just as well as the folks who mistreated me treated me poorly. It’s a tall order, but I’d like to think I’m up to it. In that spirit, if there’s anything you do that makes you feel like a million smiles (bucks are over-rated and in short supply) let me know below. My plan is to try them all. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’ve spent years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Time to figure out what makes me happy.